My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen