My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”