@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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@CheryeDavis: Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
@MableGertrude: If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.
@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
@Cheeseboy22: The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.