@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions." Me: "Okay, I'm ready." Doctor: "You're not a cat."
@DaddyJew: I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I'm just waiting for him to realize what that means
@GraceSpelman: My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it