My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.