@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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@NickSchug: I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote "dentists are liars" into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
@TweetsByTheTony: [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E
@TheAlexNevil: Most of being a parent means saying "Great!!" when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.