@BrianIncognito: My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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@HeyZeus666: I'm no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
@ProudFFAalumni: My son's taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone's talking about anymore.