My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
What even happened today?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her