My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
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Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!