My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Haha good job!!
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Word!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU