@mela_shea: My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
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@missionmantn: Son: "Dad, why do scuba divers always fall backwards into the water? Me: "If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat." Wife: "Please stop talking to our children."
@jazmasta: [speaking to an attractive lady] "How can a beautiful girl like you be single?!" "Dave, I literally dumped you 5 minutes ago. Please leave"
@Kyle_Lippert: "I don't know why I'm always depressed" I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
@TheMichaelRock: Whenever you're feeling down and out, just remember that there's people walking around with Twilight tattoos.