My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
pat pat
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
I occasionally drink every single night.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!