My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still