My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
You Might Also Like
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
#Caturday
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.