My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
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Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Truth
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
found my next D&D character name
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
There is no try. There is only give up.