Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
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Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*