Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
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Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit