@TheToddWilliams: My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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@just1fool: My dog wouldn't shut up so I told him I killed the mailman. He was jealous but proud of me.
@HiddleDeeDee: Going to a wedding today: Me: Do I look ok boys? 6: You look fine. 9: You look wow. Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
@mjkspeaks: [interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking