@TheToddWilliams: My doctor won't go away. I know what you're thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
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@Reverend_Scott: [5 min into first date] Her: I have a pug named Piglet- Me: [motioning waiter for check] I'd like to go meet him rn
@moneybreton: Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
@AIanHangover: *Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
@bananagrvyrd: So apparently you're supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot