Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
How do you milk an almond?
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Just why bro?!
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
the official breakfast of 2021
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg