@JessiCanadian: My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
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@YesitsAl: Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she's had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she's talking about right now
@abbycohenwl: Mama Bear: Ok but last time Papa Bear: Thanks, babe [she puts on a Goldilocks wig] Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard
@PaperWash: Mother's Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers