@JessiCanadian: My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
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@pharmasean: A song called "Baby It's Not *THAT* Cold Outside" where I'm just trying to get the lady to leave
@causticbob: GF: "I'm telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn't make you any less important." BF: "Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto."
@LaziestCanine: Cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you Me: yes, he was not very friendly
@ElleOhHell: [front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft