@JessiCanadian: My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
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@ibid78: [in hospital] -dude what happened? "I got hit by a bu- [a bus taps on the window, does neck slice motion] -I mean I fell down the stairs"
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: What did I ask you to do? Me: Love you forever? W: M: Kill a man to defend you honor? W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER I was getting there.
@Parentpains: I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.