@JessiCanadian: My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.
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@captaincoximus: If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
@desi_princess: Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone's kid, and a headache
@Rollinintheseat: *Shakespeare resetting his password* "Enter new password." Fortnight "Your password is two weeks."