If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
how it started vs how it ended
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.