My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff