On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
They got a point!
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead