My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
You Might Also Like
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
let’s discuss
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.