Bobby pin
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Barbie gone wild
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
#oldknees
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)