My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
This is a true ally.