My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
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There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
some things should go without saying
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?