My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
being a writer on Twitter:
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.