I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?