me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Thursday Thought.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!