[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.