My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary