Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way