My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
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me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.