@theshantilly: My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
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@mydmac: I love eating Swiss pancakes. They're like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
@vineyille: It says here on your resume that you're "good at traps," could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
@ddsmidt: X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup...