@theshantilly: My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me.
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@batsly: I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we're both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.
@comer310: Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU! Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@cbdoubleu: Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*