My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
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Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
how much for the angry fruit?
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.