Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Denise please return my vape pen
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Trumpy Cat
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws