My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
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“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.