My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
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Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.