@Dana_Bruno: My dog's pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won't admit he's older now. So I scratch out the "i" on each can & tell him it's Mexican food.
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@Parkerlawyer: Broke my make-up mirror this morning. I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it's been, "Your eyeliner is really crooked."
@robdelaney: If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
@vineyille: Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
@Cheeseboy22: I don't understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.