“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
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me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”