With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.