Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
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Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I’m not proud
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.