before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
“What?”
– Jude
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!