my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..