@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
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@TheAlexNevil: According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@BBQJones28: Shout out to the dude who's followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
@Sophie2078: Me: I love it when I'm on top of his... Friend: Sophie! There are kids here! Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.