@man_spach: My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they're like, sir that's just irritable bowel syndrome.
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Waitress: Would you prefer your order with a side of fries or salad? Me: Would you prefer your tip with cash or advice?
@djdarrellripley: This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle's personal ad....
@sarcasticmommy4: I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
@SirEviscerate: *uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor* I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!