My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Yup!
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?