My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
You Might Also Like
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My wife thinks itâs weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week đ
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Marriage counselor: ok, letâs reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Draculaâs wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
âHowâd that happen, Bill?â
âI donât know.â
âReally?â
âYeah, Iâm just stumped.â
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reeseâs
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work đ
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Kids today donât know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.