Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Perfect.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.