Tear gas is the saddest gas.
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Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I鈥檝e been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he鈥檚 been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don鈥檛 want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It鈥檚 worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
馃槅馃槅馃槅
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I鈥檝e been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
You鈥檇 think for $40 they鈥檇 be able to cut anything but apparently my wife鈥檚 expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean