You Might Also Like
Perfect
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
back to work
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote