My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*