My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
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My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*