My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You Might Also Like
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Herpes is trending, good job people
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.