My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
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DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
#Caturday
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy