My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure