@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
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@ElgatoEsmio: I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
@CoopSoSarc: Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
@truegritrumble: MORPHEUS: April fools! NEO: ? M: There's no Matrix. N: What? M: You've been drugged, son. N: WTF M: We've been harvesting your organs.