@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
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@huntigula: Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me? Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
@SarraBeth: "What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It's not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!" -Google.
@MeetYourDaddy: I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
@Dawn_M_: Sharks don't like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.