I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Hank is one in a melon.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor