@revious: My ex got drunk and left me at a bar so I called the police and reported a drunk driver.. #topahole
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Jaywoo74: Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!
@_making_friends: me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month sally: go see gary in HR, he's pretty flexible [walks in on gary doing yoga]
@EJGomez: [holding my aunts stupid idiot baby] what sound does a cow make "moo!" good now a dog "woof woof!" 2 for 2. now...WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE
@SteveSuckington: What's the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.